Never Underestimate the Power of Relationships
“When you get to my age, you’ll really measure your success in life by how many people you want to have love you actually love you." – Warren Buffett
In 1938, a group of Harvard researchers initiated an ambitious study, gathering health records and asking detailed questions of 724 adult participants every two years. Through a miraculous chain of events, the study has continued to this day. Through the years, researchers have expanded the scope of data-collecting to include the spouses and children of the original participants. The study has amassed an incredibly rich dataset that encompasses a wide expanse of human experience across a vast period of time, capable of providing insight into a question we all have a stake in: what makes us happy in life?
Surely the answer must include some combination of career success, money, exercise, and healthy diet, right? No, say the authors of the study.
“The most consistent finding we’ve learned through 85 years of study is: Positive relationships keep us happier, healthier, and help us live longer. Period,” say Marc Shultz and Robert Waldinger, authors of The Good Life: Lessons from the World's Longest Scientific Study of Happiness.
Attainment of a flourishing life – one filled with health, happiness, and positive well-being – is highly correlated with positive relationships. In our achievement-oriented culture, there is an emphasis on career success, saving and investing money, exercising regularly and being selective about our diet – all worthy goals – but none of these have anywhere near the impact of positive relationships, yet, how intentional are we about nourishing the relationships in our lives that ultimately make all the difference?
Measuring Success in Life
Warren Buffett was once asked by a group of students what his greatest success was, and this was his answer:
“Basically, when you get to my age, you’ll really measure your success in life by how many people you want to have love you actually love you.
“I know people who have a lot of money, and they get testimonial dinners, and they get hospital wings named after them. But the truth is that nobody in the world loves them. If you get to my age in life and nobody thinks well of you, I don’t care how big your bank account is, your life is a disaster.
“That’s the ultimate test of how you have lived your life. The trouble with love is that you can’t buy it. You can buy sex. You can buy testimonial dinners. You can buy pamphlets that say how wonderful you are. But the only way to get love is to be lovable. It’s very irritating if you have a lot of money. You’d like to think you could write a check: I’ll buy a million dollar’s worth of love. But it doesn’t work that way. The more you give love away, the more you get.”
Journaling as a Way to Nourish Relationships
Years ago I started a practice of keeping a daily journal. Each morning I write at least a page, and more if the words are flowing. I write about whatever I’m feeling at the moment. When it comes to the quality of writing, I keep my expectations low. What matters most is that I get words on the page
From time to time, I pick up an old journal and leaf through the pages and what surprises me is the consistency with which I return to a single topic: relationships. Yes, there are days when I write about my career goals, investment philosophy or exercise regimen, but without fail, the dominant theme is my reflection on the key relationships in my life. Often I write about a situation dealing with a relationship were I could have handled things better as a friend or parent. Other times I write about how grateful I am to be surrounded by those I love.
Healthy relationships require care and nurturing. It’s easy to let our busy lives crowd out our friendships or pull us away from family relationships. For me, journaling is the tool that forces me to focus, even for just a few minutes every day, on relationships. Journaling may not be for everyone, and it doesn’t have to be journaling. I simply encourage others to find a practice that can help you be intentional about nourishing relationships.
The fact that, in my journal, I return to the topic of relationships again and again tells me that, deep down I know what’s most important. I believe we’re born with this innate wisdom, but our culture has conditioned us to seek fulfillment through material success or fame, when in fact, the key to happiness is available to all of us. It simply requires consistent and life-long investment in the relationships that matter most. By giving away our love we are repaid many times over by the love we receive from others.
Sources
CNBC: The Secret to a Long & Successful Life
Harvard: The Longest Running Study on Happiness
McKinsey – The Key to Happy Living
About the Author
Sean Murray is a keynote speaker, leadership coach and the author of If Gold Is Our Destiny: How a Team of Mavericks Came Together for Olympic Glory. His firm, RealTime Performance, provides leadership development and training to businesses and non-profits.
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